


Cryophobia

by ACEofHearts2003



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Steve Rogers and the 21st Century, SteveIsNotOkay, mentioned panic attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-19
Updated: 2019-01-19
Packaged: 2019-10-12 18:37:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,714
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17472845
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ACEofHearts2003/pseuds/ACEofHearts2003
Summary: 'I'm fine'That's what he says when someone asks.He doesn't say anything about panic attacks or avoiding going out when it snows. Oh, and the not sleeping thing.But that's all.Because he's fine.Really.





	Cryophobia

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, so this is the first time I'm actually posting something. I'm not quite happy with this work, but I guess that only means I can improve and maybe some of you can give me some feedback and tell me what to do better.  
> I hope it's not as obvious as I thinks it is that I'm not a native english speaker.
> 
> Hope you enjoy ;)

Cryophobia: An abnormal and persistent fear of cold, including cold weather and cold objects 

He looked it up on Google. Despite what everyone thinks, he is more than capable of using the Internet. 

Sure, Steve knew that he still wasn't anywhere near catching up with this century. Learning everything he should know about history and science and basically everything that is considered 'common knowledge' in this century is hard.

At first he tried going to the library, but at some point going there everyday got tiring. Even the serum couldn't keep up with the books he had to carry to the tower and back everyday _( At this point he still hadn't figured out the subway)._

So, he got himself a laptop. Trying to keep it low key, he didn't tell anyone about his plan (Wanting to spare himself a lecture from Tony about how great StarkPads are and what they could do) he took the subway for the first time and went to a local computer store. Feeling like a fish out of water, he gave up on finding one for himself and asked an employee.

After an hour he left the shop with his very first laptop. Smuggling it into his room at the AvengersTower was actually quite easy if you used to sneak into HYDRA camps weekly.

So he learned how to use the internet and damn, Google was incredibly helpful. In no time at all he got more done in a week than in a month without it. 

One has a lot of time when you skip the sleeping part of the night.

It's not like he doesn't want to sleep. Because that would be unhealthy and Steve needs rest to function properly.

But everytime he tries sleeping he sees nothing but darkness. It's freezing and he can't move, but he can hear and think and feel and _Oh God It Hurts And He Can't Breathe..._

So....he doesn't sleep. Only when he is too exhausted too function properly he sinks into a dreamless sleep.

Instead he stays up all night, either doing research or training in the gym. Sometimes, if he feels particularly nostalgic, he paints. 

And therefore a routine develops in the tower.

Steve is the first one that is up. He gets out of his room at 5 am and goes out to jog. He gets back sometime later, takes a shower and then proceeds to make breakfast. 

He always prepares the tea first, because he knows Bruce is always the second to rise and prefers tea. So by the time Bruce comes into the kitchen the tea ist done and Steve has already started to make coffee for the assassins and Tony. Then he makes breakfast for everyone, simply because he feels like he, as the leader, has to take care of everyone and he actually enjoys cooking. Except for the microwaves and the toaster. Seriously, he swears the microwaves hate him.   
In retaliation he destroys one at least once a week. On bad days he lets a toaster burn. The others think he's just inexperienced with the machines and can't help it. _(He thinks it's better if he doesn't correct them)_

Tony is always the last one to appear, although it is difficult to determine if he actually comes from his bedroom or from the lab. 

This routine has been established very early on in their time together. At the beginning they sometimes asked him if he was alright, because nobody could get up this early every day. He always said he was fine.

Because he was. 

He was Captain America. He had to be fine and functioning.

Because they need Captain America in this century. Steve Rogers wasn't always strong, he wasn't completely fine with living in a different time and without anyone that knows and accepts Steve Rogers without Captain America.

Because that's the problem. HIS world didn't need Captain America. HIS word needed Captain Rogers and that was fine. Captain America was just a front he could take off at the end of the day and be Steve Rogers. He had friends with whom he could grab a drink or just talk late into the night.

But then he woke up in this century and they called him Captain America, Capsicle or Gramps. They had created this image of the hero Captain America and now that he was alive, everyone expected him to be nothing less than that. And Steve Rogers didn't quite fit this criteria. 

And Steve accepted it. If he couldn't be Captain America, he would be forced to find out just who Steve Rogers was in this century. And he didn't think he was quite ready to find the answer to that yet.

So he said he was fine, he was always fine.

At some point they just accepted it. They thought it was something left over from his days in the army.

He didn't correct them. Nor did he say anything about the constantly raised temperature in his room, just so that there was no chance he could freeze. _(It didn't work)_

He also never said anything about the massive panic attack he had when he tried to take a bath and the water went up to his neck. _(He only takes showers now)_

He had thought it would get better with time. 

And it did.

He still couldn't take a bath or go swimming. But the internet helped him with his panic attacks and his nightmares. _(Now, every time he said he was fine it felt less like a complete lie)_

And then he met Sam.

Meeting Sam felt like a blessing. It felt as if someone had thrown him a lifeline to stop him from drowning. 

Steve didn't talk with Sam about his fears. Or his panic attacks. Or his feelings of insecurity.

No, but Sam gave him something he desperately needed.

A friend.

Sam called him Steve. Regularly. Sure he also called him Cap, but more often than not it was Steve. 

They went out, Sam showed him everything about the real world and soon they became close friends. And he knew Sam felt the same way. Because Sam was not emotionally constipated and told him that he really needed someone like Steve, especially after losing Riley. He admitted to Steve being his lifeline. Of course, Sam was completely out of his mind with alcohol and didn't remember anything the next morning. _(Steve will never forget these words.)_

Life improved.

Until that one damned mission.

As usual on a Friday, monsters attacked New York. It weren't even very strong Monsters, but there were so many that all of the Avengers including Sam were needed on this mission.

Not that Steve minded. He really didn't. 

But if he wasn't very happy about fighting huge octopus Monsters in the middle of winter... well, nobody would notice if he hit one of the monsters with more force than necessary.

They were fighting on the brooklyn bridge, directly over the wild and cold water of the East river.

The monster he was currently fighting was 7 feet tall and looked like a green octopus. Only difference was that it had very large yellow teeth and at the end of a tantacle were sharp claws.

Ironman, Falcon and Thor were flying around and made sure that the monsters didn't leave the bridge and went into the city. Hawkeye was on top of a nearby roof shooting monsters and warning the others about any monsters that were sneaking up on them.

Steve, Black Widow and the Hulk were on the bridge, doing the dirty work and killing the monsters.

The difficult thing about fighting octopus monsters was keeping track of all their arms. One moment he dodged one arm, the next he has to duck under another one.

"Widow is down!"

Clints voice echoed over the comms and Steve turned in the direction where he last saw Natasha.

Natasha was on the ground, clutching her thigh which had a large gash over it. Steve started to make his way over there, all the while swinging his shield around and hitting monsters.

Natasha was still shooting them, but the gash made it clear she was not going to stand again. Suddenly he saw movement behind her. A monster was creeping up on her and Steve knew he had to act fast.

Before the Monster could lash out with its tentacle Steve threw his shield with deadly precision and hit it dead on. It hit the monster directly in the eye, knocking it down and killing it instantly.

Sadly, instead of coming back to him as usual, the shield was stuck in the monster. He swore inwardly, but before getting the shield he had to make sure natasha was okay. He had to retrieve it later.

"Ironman, cover us" he said through the comm and made his way over to Natasha.

Crouching down, he noticed her face was carefully neutral. If he hadn't known her so well, he would not have seen the tiny tightening around her mouth indicating she was in pain.

"How are you holding up?" He asked her, watching her out of the corner of his eyes while he already started to pull out a few bandages out of his pocket.

"Just taking a breather so you can get some excercise, old man"

He laughed and then pulled her hands from the wound. It was about 6 inhes long and still bled sluggishly.

"This is going to need stitches, but I'm going to bandage it for now. Better for you if I leave the stitching to the medics."

"I think you mean it's better for _you_ if you don't mess this up." She smirked.

He laughed quietly and tied up the bandage on her thigh. 

Starting to stand up, he looked at her face to see how her pain was. 

She still had tight lines around her mouth but she smiled gratefully at him.

He smiled back but before he could say anything her smile morphed into a face of shock as she stared at something behind him. She opened her mouth to say something to him, but before she could say something the comm sprung to life.

"Cap, Behi---!!!" Someone shouted over the comm but before he could even completely turn around something slammed into his chest and stole his breath.

He thought he heard shouting but he couldn't be so sure, because he felt like he was flying.

Or maybe it was falling.

Dimly hearing the wind soaring in his ears he opened his eyes ( When did he close them?) and saw the bridge several feet above him and getting smaller and smaller.

Yep, definitely falling.

He knew the water was below him and he knew that the others were too far away to save him from going under.

The only thing he could do was to try and turn around so that neither his head nor his back would hit the water first.

And, judging from the stabbing pain in his chest he really shouldn't land on it either.

So with determination burning in him he somehow got his feet under him and took one last glance at the grey sky and the city lights.

And then everything was dark.

Again.

At first he wasn't aware of anything. He was numb, the freezing water already seeping into his bones and chilling him from the inside out.

He tried to navigate a little in the darkness surrounding him and attempted to get rid of the numbness so that he could get back to the surface.

Slowly feeling came back to him.

The Pain hit him first.

And oh did he wish back for the numbness now.

His right leg felt like it was on fire, most certainly breaking from the impact. Normally he would try to keep it still, but with every movement of the water his leg was jostled and a new wave of hot pain made its way up into his being.

The second thing he felt was the burning in his chest. The monster must have gotten him with one of its claws. (He would worry about this later)

_Get a grip on yourself soldier._

He tried to ignore the pain and managed to push it aside. He knew he had to get to the surface.  
The burning in his lungs was getting stronger by the second and he knew he wouldn't last much longer. 

_Please, not again_

He tried to keep his eyes open to find a source of light, because at this point he didnÄt knwo where up and down was.  
Looking around though, he could see nothing but black. Not even the tiniest sliver of light.

_No, please no_

The burning in his lungs got so strong that he couldn't ignore it any longer. He felt his bodys desire to open his mouth, but that was the last thing he should do.  
Scrunching his eyes close as another wave of pain hit him, he forgot all previous thoughts and opened his mouth to gasp.

Immediately water filled his mouth.

Steve was panicking, he knew what was coming now. How he would feel the water filling his mouth, running down his throat and filling up his lungs.   
He could already feel it in his lungs.  
His limbs got heavy and he ceased his thrashing. Numbness spreag all over his body. Only this time it was from the inside.

_Please_

His thoughts were starting to slow and he couldn't do anything against the memories that flashed in his mind.

_Falling_

_Glass breaking_

_Water filling the cockpit but unable to get away_

_Black water filling his lungs_

He was fading, not even feeling the pain in his leg anymore.  
He could feel darkness creeping up on the edge of his consciousness , but he knew there was nothing he could do against it.  
He thought about his life. Past and present. He would miss them, he realized with a start. ALL of them. Past and present.

Just before consciousness left him, he was dimly aware of something brushing against his side.

_Please, don't wake me up again_

.........

"-ak----up----mit!"

_What?_

"---ev----don------ve----us-----ou!!"

_Was there someone screaming at him?_

"Son of a -------don----giv------p no-!"

_Please, let me sleep._

"Steve, I swear if you open your eyes now I will never call you Gramps again!"

_Well in that case..._

" Hope you mean it this time" he said, or rather tried to say.

Because as soon as he tried to form words his lungs seized up and the next thing he knew he was lying on his side coughing up half of the East river. 

Someone rubbed his back and said something to him, although he couldn't make out the words.

When he was done they lowered him back on the ground and he tried to regain his breathing.

When he could breathe again, although not properly, that would take a while, he focussed on the people around him.

They were all there. Clint was standing on his left side behind Natasha, who was sitting and holding his hand. Thor war standing at his feet, looking down at him . Bruce was on his right side, measuring his pulse. Tony was also sitting on his right side, faceplate off and a hand on his shoulder. Sam sitting behind him, Steves head on his lap.

They all looked.... relieved. Somehow, this thought warmed Steve more than being wrapped in Thors cape ever could. _( Although the cape was incredibly warm, he has to ask Thor where to get one)_

" How are you feeling?" asked Bruce and Steve noticed how they all tensed up at the question and looked attentively at him.

"Like..... an octopus.... pushed me off a bridge.... I am ..... _never_ .....getting near a large..... body of water in .....the middle of winter .....again" he rasped out and saw how the tension left all of them as they realised that, for the first time since they know him, the answer was not 'I'm fine'.

And so, freezing, with a broken leg and probably more injuries he didn't even know he had and wrapped up in Thors cape, he realized one thing.

For the first time since he woke up in this century, Steve felt warm again.


End file.
